Mantis leaks Black Friday Cyber Monday specials

[Editor's Note: This is tongue in cheek.  If you're offended, we're sorry.]

Oswego, IL - As manufacturers and retailers compete for the almighty consumer dollar in the 30 days before Christmas, an ever-increasing number of them pre-announce their Black Friday/Cyber Monday (BFCM) deals.  

"As we surveyed the landscape, we wanted to something different," says Mantis Chief Pricing Strategist Rustin Jogness.  "So we did.  But before I tell you what we're gonna do, I'm gonna tell you the background of the why.  It might be a bit lengthy, but stick with me.  Please."

"Black Friday used to just be on Friday, but some knuckle draggers thought that Friday also means Thursday, and Monday, and basically whatever random day they want to invent.  Maybe it's easier to convince you to spend money you don't actually have on a day that doesn't actually exist."

"My pastor says it's basically a sign of the times and liberals overtaking our culture that we can't enforce Friday to be only Friday.  If Friday wants to be a Thursday or a Saturday, why can't he or she or it? Someone has to take a stand,"  continues Jogness before taking a brief drink of water.

"Given the industry we're in, we HAVE to take a conservative stand.  And in this situation, there is only one: Black Friday is Friday only.  We will likely incur liberal wrath, a few lawsuits, and maybe (hopefully) a mention in the New York Times.  Millions will cry discrimination that we only have specials on one day, when everyone else runs their specials for 6 weeks.  But this is our beliefs, yo."

To summarize the remainder of Rustin's comments, Mantis will not just limit Black Friday to Friday, but on that day will have a non-sale.  All items available for sale will be at the same price they are every other day of the year.

"It's our core belief that a sale only reminds consumers of how much they are getting ripped off by retailers the rest of the year," says Junior Pricing Strategist Yavel Purevich. "We don't inflate our prices just to discount them.  That's the devil's work of trickster manipulation."

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Jared Nielsen
Jared Nielsen